


Clean

by Iliketowrite_2



Series: Clean [1]
Category: SPN RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bingeing, Bulimia, Comfort, ED - Freeform, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Hurt, Mental Illness, Minor Character Death, Other, Platonic Relationships, Purging, Reader Insert, Suicide, sick reader, triggering, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2019-08-03 02:19:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16317284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iliketowrite_2/pseuds/Iliketowrite_2
Summary: You're a teen working as an actress on the show "Supernatural". When you receive the news that someone close to you has died, you fall into old and bad habits.Platonic!Jared x Platonic!reader friendship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a new little series, which will probably be between 5-10 chapters long. Let me know how you like this first chapter, and remember- feedback is the fuel to my writing!

I walk alongside Jensen, Misha, and Y/n as we head over to the tents for a late dinner break. Y/n had been working with us for a few years now, having been on and off on the show throughout the years, but her character becoming more apart of the story line recently. Everyone had always gotten along with her swimmingly. She was a sweetheart.  
Despite only being the young age of 17, Y/n was wise beyond her years- speaking publicly about how important mental health awareness was to her; although no one knew weather or not she'd battled with mental illnesses. She was quiet and reserved about her personal life.

We all filed into the tents, grabbing plates one by one and walking down the aisle of food. I fill my plate with Nachos, a bowl of curry and rice, along with a salad. There were bottles of water already set on the tables as we sat down. I look over at Y/n, who was sitting across the table along with Misha, Jensen taking a seat next to me.  
Her eyes were locked on her food, looking at it like it held all the secrets in the world; like it was the love of her life. I smirked at her as I took a handful of nachos and shoved them in my mouth.

"You good there Y/n?" I snicker as she whips her head up to look at me, an embarrassed smile crawls onto her face as she replies,  
"You know the feeling you get when you look into your wives eyes? Yeah, I think these nachos are the loves of my life." She sighs in content as she forks the cheesy nachos into her mouth.

The whole table bellows at the serious look on her face as she declared her love for nachos. We roll our eyes at her as we continue eating and joking around. I looked down at Y/n's arm and saw a simple silver band wrapped around her dainty wrist. I've never seen her take it off, not even during filming- so the writers added it into the script as a lucky trinket for her character.

As the friendly banter continues, I decide there's no time better than now to ask her about the bracelet. 

"Hey Y/n," I swallow my mouthful before continuing, "What's it mean?" I gesture to the bracelet and she looks down at it.

"This?" She looks to me and I nod, her attention returns to her bracelet and I can see her smile slightly fade. Shit, I hope I didn't push too far.  
"I don't mean to pry, you don't need to-"

"Nah, it's okay." She smiles at me as to ease my worries. "Nothing really. I just think its pretty. I got it a year or so ago and I just haven't taken it off since." She shrugs, going back to her food. 

Eh. I guess there wasn't a story after all. I internally shrug, throwing the paper plate into the bin beside the table. I hear the song "Carry on my wayward son" Start to play and i hear Y/n mumble a 'shit' as she fumbles to stand up and retrieve her phone from her pocket. 

I hear Jensen laugh beside me. "Fan-girl much?" he chuckles, teasing her.

"Ugh, shut up!" She pouts, answering her phone. "Hey Mrs. Thompson! How're-.." We all watch as her face goes slack and white as a sheet, losing all its color in just seconds.  
"Y/n?" Misha gently questions, concerned. Y/n steps out of the bench seat and hastily walks away from the table, leaving Jensen, Misha, and I wondering what had happened. 

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

It had been Three hours since we last saw Y/n. She hadn't come back after she left during the phone call, and we were all assuming the worst. We had just finished filming the scenes that didn't involve Y/n. 

As we were leaving we were called back in for a quick meet up with the rest of the cast and crew. There was a crowd around Bob singer, and we piled into the back, straining to hear him over the muttering of the others. 

"Alright, all scenes with Y/n have been cancelled until further notice. WE should be back up and running with her in a week or two's time. So, until then, we'll be working on the scenes that don't involve her- and we'll start filming early for the next episode if we run out of things to shoot. Now, Jared," He look around for me and i hollered a 'yep.' out to him and his eyes fell onto mine. "I'd like to see you in my office now. Alright, thanks everyone, Rest up, we got an early start tomorrow."

I gulp as I think about why i'd be called to the office alone. Jensen pats me on the shoulder, "It's alright man, he probably just wants to ask you something."  
"Yeah, yeah maybe.. You guys should go get some rest. Apparently we have a 'big day' tomorrow." I wave goodbye to Jens and Misha as i head towards Bob's office.

I knock on the door once i arrive, hearing him call out for me to come in. I walk into the office and sit down in the chair in front of his desk. It must've been obvious that i was nervous.

"Relax Jared. Nothings wrong." Thank god. That helped ease my anxiety a bit and i relaxed into the chair. "This is about Y/n." He continued, and my anxiety shot right back up to where it was- if not higher.

"What happened? Do you know where she is?" I watch as he sighed deeply.

"Y/n called in an hour or so ago and informed us she wouldn't be back and ready for filming until next week. She kept it very brief, but to my knowledge, her best friend, Scott, passed away this afternoon." My stomach sank at that news and It all made complete sense why she left and didn't come back. I can't imaging how distraught i'd be if i ever lost Jensen or Misha.

I knew a lot about Scott, Y/n spoke about him all the time. He was 18, a year older than her. They'd grown up together in the same town and been best friends since they were three. He was studying to become a psychiatrist. I had only met him two to three times, but you could tell that whenever Y/n was around him, she was honest to god happy.  
"Oh no.." I murmur, looking at Bob.

"She didn't want me telling anybody, but I know you're the closest to her. I just wanted to make sure someone knew. Just- when she does come back, take care of her. Keep an eye out for her."

"Yeah of course. Do you know what happened?" He shook his head. 

"No, she didn't. I'll leave it up to her who she decides to tell; or not tell."

I nod in understanding. "Alright. Is there anything else i can do?" I ask sympathetically.

"No, that's all. Will you need any time off this week?" 

"I'll be okay. I'll let you know if i need any time. Thanks for letting me know, Bob."

"No problem Jared. Go get yourself some rest now."

I stand and head back towards my trailer, the only thing on my mind was the pain Y/n must be going through about whatever happened to Scott.


	2. Clean: Chapter 2

You arrived back on the set almost a week later. You never thought you'd see the day where he wasn't around anymore- let alone by his own hand. You knew how much he struggled with keeping his mental health in check, heck, it's what brought you closer together in the first place. Scott was the platonic love of your life; your best friend. You were certain if he wasn't gay, you'd have been the literal definition of 'love at first sight'. You loved him like no one else, and he loved you. He's the most important person in your life. 

Well.. was.

Despite the fact that it was his funeral, which displayed his lifeless body lying in the centre of an overly decorated room, you would've said the place looked beautiful. But it was a mask. Make things pretty to distract you from reality. From the fact that in the middle of the room was a boy, a boy you love more than anything. From the fact that that same, dead boy, who had less than 48 hours ago, shot himself in the head.

And you could've stopped it. Should've.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." "We never knew." "He was such an incredible boy." "He was so loved." Please, You barely gave him the time of day. You never knew who he was. You didn't care until now.

You had sat through the service and you struggled to keep yourself together. It had never really occoured to you, he was gone. As in, gone. There was no way around it. You would never hear his voice again. You would never see him smile when you made a stupid joke. You'd never feel the comfort his touch could always bring you. He was erased from existance so quickly. Your entire life was crashing and burning, whilst the world kept turning, showing no remorse or sorrow for the beautiful soul it had killed. 

The pain was so intense, so unforgiving, so brutal. Neverending.

The rest of the week passed implicably fast- and yet every second felt as if it was dragging on for eternity. Nothing was right, how could it be?

You ignored the calls. The messages. The emails. Everything. Nothing was worth reading. After all, reading about how sorry people were wasn't going to bring him back. You didn't even answer Jared's call on the way to work this morning. They knew you were coming back, considering that the scenes they were told to prepare for were all the scenes they missed last week. At least no one knew.

You pulled into set, parking your car you walked towards where you would be filming your first scene, along with Jared, Jensen, Misha, and Alex. Who you'd been ignoring for almost an entire week. Not because you were mad at them, or that they did anything- but you wanted Scott; and you couldn't have him. 

You rubbed your wrist at the thought of him, expecting to feel the sleek silver band that was always resting there- a constant reminder from Scott- but you only felt skin. Right..

You didn't know if you'd ever wear that bracelet again.

JAREDS POV:

I saw you walking towards hair and makeup and I called out to you, waving as I yelled your name. You pulled her hair from behind your ear, hiding your face as you trotted up the steps and into the trailer- not adknowledging me in the slightest. I'm not surprised, you hasven't spoken to anyone since lunch Tuesday last week, I'm not going to take it personally. I can't imagine how much pain you're in right now. 

I'm not supposed to know, but i'm thankful Rob decided to pull me aside and tell me, and I knew why he did. This has gotta be hell for you, losing someone you loved so much- and so suddenly. I remember when I lost two of my dear friends to suicide years ago, greif spiking my depression and anxiety. I can only imagine that might be happening with you now, the difference between our stories is that Scott was your best friend. Every waking second since you were three you spent together, or thinking of each other. Having him ripped away so quickly- and everything that came with him- would be excrusiating.

I make a detour so I can grab myself a coffee and a hot chocolate for you and I make my way back to the hair and makeup trailer. There was no friendly banter like i expected, like there usually was, but i can understand why, you probably aren't in the talking mood. It's hard to see you like this and knowing what happened, but also knowing that no matter what, i can't tell you i know.

I set the hot chocolate down in front of you on the counter and take a seat next to you. Hot chocolate has always been your favorite. You hate the bitter taste of coffee, and you always gag comically at our coffee breath when we're shooting scenes together. I see you glance to the cup and gently push it back over to me. 

"No thanks." Your voice was scratchy and hoarse as you whispered your reply. I immediately notice the missing silver chain on your wrist as you glide the hot chocolate towards me. I've never seen you take it off. It must've meant something to Scott..

"Are you sure? It's your favorite."

"I said no, thanks." You snap quietly. I watch as your hair is finished and you leav the trailer, heading to wardrobe. 

I had already been to wardrobe, and now just need my hair and makeup done. My brows pull together in sorrow, already seeing a difference in her since a week ago. Her playful and carefree demeanor gone, replaced with the greif she was inevitably refusing to accept. 

The morning had come and gone quickly. Despite the unmissable change in your behaviour, your acting was as impecable as it always was. To a viewer, nothing would seem any different to usual. 

Jensen and I waited for you in our usual spot we usually meet up at before heading to lunch, but you never showed. Misha and Alex had a scene together and were having lunch later- and with you not showing up, I guess it was just going to be me and Jensen. When we arrived and seated ourselves after filling our plates, Jensen and i take a seat on one of the benches. I see you heading from set and walking towards your trailer, your hands wrapped around your waist, as if you could hold yourself together. 

I grimace, wishing there was something i could do other than watch. You look so lost and alone, and the only thing i can do is wait.

"I don't know if it's the best idea for Y/n to be working again so soon." Jensen interrupts my thoughts.

"I don't like it either, but it's not up to us." I sigh deeply as i reply. Jensen humms in response, before digging back into his food, whereas I feel like i've lost my appitite and i push the food away, deciding i'd go check on you before filming starts up again.

"Hey, I'm just gonna go check on her before we get back to shooting. I'll be right back." Jensen nods in reply as he pulls out his phone to entertain himself.

I make my way over to your trailer, heading up the three short steps before i bring my hand up, rasping my knuckles on my door. I hear some fumbling behind the door before it shoots open and you stand in the doorway. 

"What now Jared." You groan, turning around and making your way back into your trailer. I follow you inside, shutting the door behind me.

"Just wanted to check up on you. I haven't heard much from you in the past week."

"Yeah, well, I've been busy." I glance around the trailer, and your usually tidy room was drowning with clothes, fast food wrappers, and there was a distinct sour smell coming from somewhere in the room.

"I can imagine-"

"No. You really can't." You sigh as you turn to face me. "Seriously, what do you want Jared."

I'm taken aback for a second. You're so distant. For all the years we've been working together, we've always had an amazing relationship. You were metaphorically adopted by the cast, but i remember taking you under my wing, and you happily accepted. I saw you as a daughter. I remember when you came to me the first time someone had asked you on a date and you didn't know what you do. I remember you spending a week with Gen and I during hiatus because you were sick and needed- no, wanted- someone to take care of you. I remeber the first time your heart was broken by someone elses hand, and you spent hours just wanting to be held and loved.

It's so hard for me to understand why you wouldn't come to me with this too. We talk about everything.

"I'm here. If you need anything. Anything at all, just, come to me. Any time, any day. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here if you need me." You nodded your head and averted your eyes. "Y/n/n." You look back up to me. "Anything. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." You cleared your throat. "Look, I.. I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything i just-"

"No, no, you're not a bitch Y/n. I get it. I promise." I try to reassure you. The last thing i want is for you to feel guilty for mouring. Everyone mourns differently. I guess you just needed time to yourself to regroup. I might not like it, but if it's what's gonna make you feel better, there's no harm in trying. If things don't change in a week or two, I'll just have to try again.

I smile gently at you. In the bottom of my eyes i can see you wringing your hand around your wrist. I flick my eyes down to your arm and realise you're rubbing where your silver bracelet used to be. You weren't wearing it this morning either. I can't think of why you would 've taken it off.

"So, you wanna join us for lunch? It's nacho day again.." I hope my persuasion works, but i have a growing feeling that my offer will be quickly turned down.

"I gotta-.." You motioned behind you, and i'm not one hundered percent sure what you were implying you had to do, but i can assume you just want to be alone right now. 

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Right, Sorry. I'll see you on set." I show myself to the door and shut it behind me, making my way back down the steps and walk back over to where Misha and Alex had joined Jensen on the bench with lunch.

I figured you wouldn't end up coming out, it was a long shot, but i could always try. It seems like it's the only thing i can do for you right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it please leave a comment :)  
> What was your favourite part?  
> What would you like to see?  
> Have any requests?  
> I hope you enjoyed, guys. I'm writing the next chapter for WWGUOY at the moment, so expect that one soon, as well as a one shot or two around the same time <3


	3. Chapter 3

Jared’s POV:

A week later and Y/n was still distant. 

I’d spend most time on set and behind the scenes trying my best to make her laugh, and I’ve gotten no results thus far. I can understand why, though. Losing Scott? Your best friend? It’s impossible for me to imagine how you’re feeling right now. 

Exiting my trailer, I make my way over to Y/n’s trailer- we were filming a scene in the forest in the early afternoon, and it took a little more than an hour to get there, and I’d promised you yesterday that you could tag along with me. Of course, I was met with ‘are you sure?’ and ‘I don’t want to bother you,’, and after assuring you it wasn’t a bother, and it might actually be nice to have someone riding shotgun alongside me, you quickly relented.

Without knocking, I enter your trailer- as I usually do. Well, like I used to do. Thinking about it, I probably should’ve knocked before I came in. Considering you’ve been pretty isolated, I can’t imagine you’d want me barging in like this. I can see light emitting from underneath the bathroom door, along with a significant amount of steam, so at least I know you’re in there. Instead of going back outside and knocking, then having to re-enter as if I hadn’t just barged in, I simply knock on your wooden desk and take residence on the side of your bed to wait. Even if you hadn’t heard me knock, at least I’d be able to tell you I did knock.

I look down at the photos on your bedside table and smile sadly. On top was a photo of you and Scott, smiling at each other; completely unaware that you were being photographed. You looked happy. I stop smiling when I look carefully at Scott in the photo. The way you were looking at each other- like there was no one else in the world other than the two of you. The was he looked so healthy and so vibrant. I may not have known Scott all that well, but the few times I did meet him and get to spend time with him, was honestly fun. He was a great kid. I personally think that if he hadn’t have been gay, he and Y/n would’ve been a power couple for sure.

It’s hard to look at the photo of the both of you, not being able to comprehend the fact that he’s gone. He’s dead.

I sigh as I place the photo back down and glance over to the other one, a photo of Misha, Jensen, and I as we squish you between the three of us. I couldn’t help but huff a laugh. I remember that day. Your foster parents had put you back into the system- deciding they didn’t want you anymore. Misha, Jensen, and I spent the rest of the day messing around and causing trouble with you, cuddles being given 24/7. 

That was the day I told you that we were your real family- you were our family- and we loved you immensely.

Looking away, I pulled out my phone to pass the time. We didn’t have to leave for another hour, I just wanted to check in to make sure you were up and getting ready. I sit and scroll through social media for the next couple of minutes before I hear what I thought was a cough. I lift my gaze to the bathroom door and my ears perk up as I hear you gag over the sound of the shower; my brows furrow in concern. I’m tempted to check in on you to see if you’re okay, but also didn’t want to startle you.

My fatherly side was stronger though, and I shuffle over to the bathroom door, after hearing you splutter and cough- obviously vomiting- I haphazardly rasp my knuckles on the white wooden door.

“You okay Y/n?” I call out cautiously to her. I pause for a second, awaiting her reply. I can hear her clear her throat on the other side of the door before she replies, her voice raspy; most likely from throwing up.

“Jared?” She croaks, sounding surprised. Or maybe shocked? As I was about to reply, I heard the toilet flush, the shower was turned off and the door opened slightly as Y/n stuck her head through, making sure it was me.

I was surprised when she walked out, completely clothed, considering she’d just been showering seconds ago? And throwing up at the same time? 

What?

She shut the door behind her and looked up at me. “What are you doing here?”

Your eyes were watery and you looked shaky, and I could faintly smell the sour odour of vomit. 

“Are you okay? Are you sick, or-“

“I’m fine, Jared. Why did you say you were here again?”

“Uh, okay, well I was just coming to make sure you were up.” I stuttered. She nods and her head slightly tilts at me as if to say ‘okay, well, I’m up. What do you want now?’

“I’ll wait outside for you then. Hey, I was thinking we could go past Monty’s on the way to set and get some breakfast.” I knew Monty’s was your favorite restaurant in Vancouver, and it was right on the same road we had to take to get to where we needed to be for filming today.

“I was actually gonna go on a run before we left. You can go without me and come back when you’re done if you want to.”

This was getting really weird. She literally just got out of the shower. “Didn’t you just shower? Y/n/n, What’s going on sweetheart, you can talk to me.” She looks like she’s about to interrupt me but I cut her off, “Don’t tell me you’re fine.”

I see you swallow, clenching your jaw.

“It doesn’t matter what I say to you, you’re not going to believe me. I could tell you I was amazing and you wouldn’t believe me, because you’ve convinced yourself I’m not okay when I’m telling you I am. So if you don’t like the way I’m acting or what I’m saying- that’s not my problem. I don’t know what’s going on with you, being all happy-go-lucky twenty-four seven, but I’m telling you: I. Am. Fine.”

“But you’re not really.”

“Jared, stop it. Just leave it alone.” She pushes past me and makes her way over to her bed, setting down the towel she was holding and she picked up her phone from her bedside table.

Today was the last day of filming before hiatus, and I wanted to still be on good terms with her throughout the break so I could check in every now and then, so I decide it’s time to wave my white flag.

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry sweetheart, I just- care about you, okay?”

Her shoulders slump and she sighs as she turns back to look at me. “I know, I’m sorry Jared. I know you care, and I love you too; but I’m okay. Really.” She smiles at me and reaches forward for a hug and there’s no way I wouldn’t accept a hug from her. The last time she initiated a hug from one of us- her boys- was before Scott.

I hug her tightly and tuck her head under my head and I feel her relax after a minute. This Is the best I’ve felt all week when it comes to Y/n. I’ve missed having her bouncy self around, but I understand. I’m willing to wait. I just need to let her grieve.

I reluctantly release the hug and I can see her somewhat deflate. I decide now was a good time to make sure I’d have a opportunity to see her throughout hiatus. 

“Hey, Gen and I are having a party in a few weeks at our house, you should come.” She smiles at me,

“Yeah sure, just let me know when it is and I’ll be sure I’m free, yeah?”

“Of course! I’ll text it to you so you have a visual reminder.” I laugh, both of us knowing how forgetful she is.

“Shut up.” She smacks my arm and grabs her bag,

“So… Monty’s?”

“Ha, Hell yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY I'VE BEEN MIA!!! I'M BACK NOW AND EXPECT MORE UPDATES SOMEWHAT SOON I PROMISE  
> Let me know what you think of the story!  
> What was your favorite part?  
> Did you love it?  
> Did you hate it?  
> What do you think will happen?

**Author's Note:**

> How did you like it?  
> What was your favorite part?  
> What would you like to see next in this series?  
> Do you have any one-shot requests? Send 'em to me!


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